Our Dead Dads
The concept of Our Dead Dads was born through the daily discussions of seven men who share bonds of blood, friendship and all having lost their fathers. Nick Gaylord, the show’s host, shares his life experiences with his deceased father while exploring the complications and realities of that relationship. Life is intense, grief and loss come in many forms, and no parent-child relationship is black and white, which is why this show touches on all shades of grey.
Join Nick for candid conversations with his three brothers and three of his lifelong friends, along with other special guests who discuss their experiences with loss, grief, laughter, and moving forward. Nothing is off-limits here. Nick learned after his father's passing that he couldn't process what he was going through alone and sought the help of a therapist, who helped him to let go of his anger toward his father. Looking back, he realized just how many people are being crushed under the weight of grief, loss, and in some cases, anger.
Nick's mission through Our Dead Dads is to offer a platform for anyone who needs or wants to tell their story, to have that opportunity. He also hopes to reach many more who need to talk but don't know how to start the conversation, hopeful that by listening to these stories, they will be able to start talking with someone.
Nick has always sought to help others and to make everyone around him laugh. Along with his brothers and friends, he has frequently used humor to get through the hardest times in their lives, and hopefully, you will permit yourself to do the same. Get ready for an emotional deep dive. Nick has a lot to say and so do his guests. He's here for you and ready to help. Everyone has been through trauma, grief, and loss. Now, along with Nick and his guests, everyone will get through it together.
Nick is changing the world one damaged soul at a time. Welcome to Our Dead Dads.
Our Dead Dads
023 - Transforming Grief into Growth: A Young Man's Journey with James Brackin IV
What if you could turn profound loss into a driving force for personal growth and ambition? Join us as we sit down with our youngest guest, James Brackin IV, to uncover his transformative journey through grief and resilience. At just 20 years old, James has faced the unimaginable, losing three pivotal male figures in his life between the ages of 6 and 12. Listen as he opens up about these significant losses, the lessons he's learned, and how they've shaped his aspirations and given him a unique perspective on life. This heart-to-heart conversation reveals the power of vulnerability and the strength found in sharing our most challenging experiences.
As we navigate through the emotional terrain of unexpected loss, we also explore the rich tapestry of family stories and memories that provide solace and strength during tough times. The importance of cherishing relationships with grandparents and the wisdom they impart becomes a focal point, reminding us to treasure these connections before they're lost. We dive into the intriguing paradox of grieving for someone never known and how the absence of a parent shapes one's identity and life choices. Through personal narratives, we aim to shift the narrative around grief, making the conversation more inclusive and less taboo, ultimately fostering a supportive community where open discussions are celebrated.
From the serious to the light-hearted, our episode covers the rising cost of living in paradise-like Hawaii, the joy of culinary exploration, and the journey towards becoming a life coach. We emphasize the value of setting meaningful goals, embracing spontaneity, and living authentically in the present. With inspiring stories of overcoming adversity, including those of past guests, we invite you to reflect on what brings true fulfillment and how personal growth can lead to a more purposeful life. Whether you're charting your own path or seeking guidance through life's challenges, this episode offers insights and encouragement to navigate grief with grace and determination.
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Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jamesbrackiniv/
The You Can Too Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/you-can-too-with-james-brackin-iv/id1593897435
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@jamesbrackiniv
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/james-brackin-iv-506069216/
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Hello and welcome back to Our Dead Dads, the podcast, where we normalize talking about grief, trauma loss and moving forward. I'm your host, my name is Nick Gaylord, and if this is your first time joining me, then welcome to the show. If you are a regular listener, then welcome back. For everyone listening, thank you so much for your support and thank you for making this show part of your day. The best way that you can continue to support the show is to continue listening. Send in your feedback on the show's Facebook and Instagram pages and, most importantly, please spread the word about the show. Everybody deals with grief. We are all in this together and the best thing that any of us can do is to support each other through that grief. Follow us on your favorite platform, give us a five-star review and, by the way, if you don't know how to leave a five-star review, go to the homepage of OurDeadDadscom, scroll down and it'll show you how to do it step-by-step the ratings, the downloads, spreading the word. I cannot thank you enough for all of it. We're getting noticed in countries all around the world, so please keep it up. As you all know, I want to be a recognized voice in the grief community, and the more that word spreads about this podcast, the, and the more that word spreads about this podcast, the more folks I can help. I really hope that you enjoyed last week's conversation with my youngest sister, helene.
Speaker 1:Today we're diving into episode 23, and this takes us all the way to Hawaii for my conversation with James Bracken IV. James becomes my youngest guest to date, at only 20 years old. He referred to himself as an old man. He said his friends call him an old man mostly because he's ready to be in bed by 10pm, but when he's awake he has more energy and ambition than most people we know. And, by the way, there's really nothing wrong with being asleep by 10pm every night. I usually am, but that's also because I get up at 4am. Anyway, today's chat with James will not only cover his outlook and goals for his life, but also the way that his childhood unfolded, specifically with losing three prominent male figures in his life between the ages of 6 and 12, and how he used that loss to shape his own outlooks and desires on life. I will also throw out there that, yes, I am once again under the weather and ironically, I was also sick when I recorded James' interview. But we got through that and we're going to get through this too.
Speaker 1:Before we get started, I would like to thank you again for listening, for your feedback and for engaging with the show. Please don't forget to go to the show's social media pages on Facebook, instagram and TikTok. As you know, my goal is to normalize talking about grief, loss and trauma, which are topics that are not easy for most of us to talk about, but they're also topics that everybody should be discussing more Not only discussing them, but not feeling like they're taboo topics. Time may not heal all wounds, but keeping everything bottled up inside does not heal any of them. Together, we are building a community for others to have a safe space to talk about their stories and their feelings, and for anyone who may not yet be ready to talk, just to listen to others and know that nobody is alone on this path. That is why I say we are a community and I'm so happy to have you here. If you have a story of grief and loss to share and might want to be considered as a future guest on Our Dead Dads, go to OurDeadDadscom. Go to the Contact Us link, then select Be a Guest, fill out the form, send it in and you just might be able to tell your own story and carry on this mission of helping ourselves and helping so many others. That said, it is now time to start the show and talk to James. Please enjoy this episode and stick around for the end when I'll tell you about next week's episode.
Speaker 1:Our Dead Dads podcast is sponsored by Kim Gaylord Travel. If you can dream up the vacation whether a getaway for you and your other half, a family trip or a trip for a large group she will help you plan it. If you've never used or even thought about using a travel agent for your trips, you really should. Kim will help you plan everything the flights, hotels, transportation, excursions, all the places to visit and all the sites to see. You'll get a detailed itinerary of everything and if anything goes wrong during your trip, you have someone to contact. Whether you're looking for a customized European vacation, a relaxing stay at an all-inclusive resort, an Alaskan adventure, a Caribbean cruise, kim will work with you to make sure you have a seamless travel experience. Contact her today and plan your next trip with a peace of mind that only working with a travel agent can offer. And, as a special bonus for our listeners, mention Our Dead Dads podcast for a 10% discount on planning fees. You can find Kim Gaylord Travel on Facebook, instagram and LinkedIn, or email Kim directly. Her email address is kim at kimgaylordtravelcom.
Speaker 1:Our Dead Dads podcast is sponsored by Dotted Avenue Creative Studio. If you're looking to build your first website or give your current site a facelift, you need not look any further than Dotted Avenue Creative Studio. They will work with you to customize exactly what you want on a website. Whether you want something personal and simple or a website for your business, you're in the right place A professional looking page that you and everyone who visits your site will be obsessed with. Search engine optimization, e-commerce all the bells and whistles.
Speaker 1:If you haven't already checked out OurDeadDadscom, you should take a look for a couple of reasons. First, because there are a lot of really cool features to check out, including some interactive sections for the listeners, but also because Dotted Avenue built this website. They work exclusively within Squarespace, who is the hosting company of our website, and customize your website exactly the way you want it and then, when it's done, you'll have a one-on-one Zoom call to learn everything you need to learn about maintaining the website yourself. Go to dottedavenuecom and get started today. Mention our dead Daz and get a 10% discount on any web design package. Dotted Avenue Creative Studio is the first, last and only company you'll ever need for website design. I'm probably going to have to mute a few times too, because I've been dealing with something the last week or half or so.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was. Oh, you heard that on episode eight too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you said you were feeling a little out of the weather.
Speaker 1:Yeah, as soon as episode eight dropped last week. I got a lot of text messages that morning saying were you sick when you recorded this? Because apparently it was very noticeable. It was, it was very noticeable. I listened to it that morning on the way to the gym. I always listen at least to the beginning of the episode. Just make sure it started smoothly. Yeah, and from when I did my intro to the commercial which I recorded a month ago, I was like holy shit, that sounds bad.
Speaker 2:Big difference. Yeah, yeah, big difference. It's insane, that's all right, that's okay. You seem pretty good today.
Speaker 1:I hope so. I'm happy, I'm excited to be here. As long as we have that, then we have nothing to worry about, absolutely. You ready to jump into this? Let's do it Officially. I would like to welcome you to Our Dead Dads. We've had a couple of conversations already and I've really enjoyed them. I always say that I enjoy having these conversations, though I don't always know that enjoy is the right word, given the nature of the content that we're talking about, but I just I love the conversation. I love talking to people and getting to hear their stories, even when they are filled with grief and trauma and sadness. But at the same time, I think these are stories that are very necessary to share, and I'm grateful to all of my guests who have shared theirs in the past, as I am to you for what you're about to share today. So, that being said, I'm going to let you get in. I'm not even going to give a preview. I'm just going to let you dive in and tell everybody why you're here and what we're going to talk about.
Speaker 2:Yeah well, thank you, man, because I believe in it as well. I think, as much as it may be, you know heavy content we're talking about, I think it's valuable, I think it's needed in the world. Couldn't agree more, man. Where do I start?
Speaker 2:I think, for me growing up, my father passed when I was six years old. As we got to chat a little bit about Mom and dad got divorced when I was two, so there was never really a presence of a father in my life. Truthfully, and as I stated to you, when we caught up a little bit, it kind of feels like we already knew each other when we first chatted, which is something that's really cool. I think it's going to make this conversation much more fluent. My uncle passed when I was really young as well. My father and uncle both passed at 37. So seeing mortality at a really young age both me and the person that was passing had a really big impact on my life, and my grandfather passed away a few months before his retirement as well, and so most men in my life that were in my life passed relatively young all three of them really unexpected.
Speaker 1:Now, something that I would like to point out for the listeners is you are, at this point, by far my youngest guest. You are only 20 years old, so you, in your short time on this earth, have already been through a lot. Let's start with your dad. What do you remember about him?
Speaker 2:You know nothing, to be honest. And I realized that not too long ago I was visiting my grandmother his mom and we were watching home videos of them and my uncle and my grandfather and everybody in the pool and, you know, having a good time, and I realized I never heard his voice before in my life and that was just a few months ago. So, truthfully, nothing. And I mean when my mom and dad got divorced, when I was two, I got to see my dad, I think for a few weeks each year that they were, cause he lived in West Virginia and we lived in upstate New York and so there was like really no time to visit and if we did, it wasn't memorable because you know, six years old, I couldn't tell you one memory from six years old in general. So to remember his voice or him or anything about him be really difficult, that's for sure.
Speaker 1:What kind of a feeling came over you the first time that you saw one of your family home videos, when you saw his face, when you heard his voice and you realized this is my dad. What was that like?
Speaker 2:It was kind of like seeing a ghost, and that's the way that I explained it with family too, because I was sitting next to my sister and I was like this is the first time I ever heard his voice and seeing next to my sister and I was like I, this is the first time I ever heard his voice and seeing him, my grandfather and my, my uncle, all in the same place too. It was like I'm looking at ghosts because I had, I haven't seen them in so long, um, and have very little recollection of them. So it was. It didn't really feel real like it didn't feel like I've always grown up as my mom was my, my mother and father in a way, and so there never was a presence, so there would never really was an absence at the same time, because I didn't know what it felt like. So, uh, it was, it was weird. It was a weird experience.
Speaker 1:How did your dad pass? If you don't mind my asking.
Speaker 2:So growing up I was told that it was um, and for a long time the biopsy said that uh, or autopsy said it was a heart attack for a long time and that's what I was under the impression of.
Speaker 2:And then, I think a few years after he passed, I was speaking with my sister one day and she told me that it was carbon monoxide poisoning. And so for my whole life I was telling everybody that it was a heart attack because that's what we were under the impression that it was. And then later on we found out that it was a carbon monoxide poisoning. What was that like, finding out that information? At first I didn't know what it meant because I was I was a bit younger when I, when I found out and then, when I dove deeper, had a few conversations with some close friends of mine, family friends. It definitely was, I think, a difficult thing to hear. I think anyone that hears anything similar to that, where you know it's unexpected to begin with, but also to know that it comes from that place, right, it isn't an easy thing to hear, that's for sure.
Speaker 1:Definitely not. No matter what age you're at, whether it's six, whether you're a teen, whether you're something you hear in your thirties or forties, it's. It's not an easy situation to process. Um, what about your, your uncle and your grandfather? How did they pass?
Speaker 2:Um, my uncle passed. Uh, he had asthma. I think he had a, an asthma attack. Crazy enough. Um, yeah, I mean he, he definitely it wasn't entirely asthma, there was definitely some substance abuse that played a role, for sure. And then my grandfather, I believe he was a heart attack. The fact that they were all unexpected is just insane to me. It blows me away. But I'm very, I guess I'm grateful. They happened unexpectedly though, because I live so intentionally now, because, because I know that it, like it truthfully, is a lot of people you know it happens from causes that are, you know, age or whatever it may be. But to know that all of these we weren't expecting it, I wake up one day and I find out that day. It's a weird experience, but I believe it was those two.
Speaker 1:I'm not even sure what the right way to ask this question is, but do you think it's easier to lose somebody fairly unexpectedly rather than to know that they are suffering from something that is ultimately going to cost them their lives.
Speaker 2:I think so. I think so Because I think, regardless of what it is, we all know mortality is given, it's a given. But I and I don't know if you notice this too, and especially in having these conversations maybe you do but it feels as though we know it but we don't internalize it Like we know, like if I were to think of my mother passing, I don't believe that's going to happen. Like in my brain for some reason I'm like there's no way. There's no way that can happen. But I know deep down it will Right. And so I think having it happen unexpectedly in any case, it's just like a way of life, showing you life really is unexpected in every way, shape or form, and that was for me just a way of seeing that.
Speaker 1:Life is unexpected. It's great, it's tragic, it's beautiful, it's horrible, all the things. As you've gotten a little bit older, in this time as a teenager becoming an adult, has there been any grief that you've noticed that you've tried to process around losing your dad?
Speaker 2:You know, this is something I was thinking about after we had our first initial conversation, because it was something that I realized I didn't really. You know, it's hard to grieve someone that you never met, and that's what. That's kind of how it felt for me. So it was hard to grieve anything. You know what I mean. Like, like I said earlier, if there was no presence, there also was no absence at the same sense, because there has never been, and so for me it almost felt like I was supposed to grieve but I didn't have the. I don't know if desire is the word, but it's the word. I'm going to use the desire to do so, and so I don't think I really have. I don't know if that's a good, bad thing, whatever you want to call it, but for me I haven't much. No.
Speaker 1:Do you feel like there's something inside of you screaming to get out some sort of grief, some sort of feeling of loss, even though you never knew your dad, you don't have any memories of him. So, yeah, I totally understand how it's hard to grieve, but at the same time, this is your dad we're talking about and it's a situation where, through no fault of your own, you never had the chance to know him. So is there any grief around that absence?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think for me, like losing a family member young, I think, is, and this is just from my perspective I'm so grateful I didn't get to. I feel as though I didn't get to have any kind of idea of who he was or how he was, because then I think that's just, and maybe this is just my perspective. I think there's probably a part of me that wants to for sure. But I think a big part of grieving and this is my experience or my idea is society telling us that we're supposed to or we need to, and maybe that's true, maybe that's not true, and I don't think it's right or wrong, but I don't think I have had much of a desire to.
Speaker 2:As I stated earlier, I think I'm very stoic in a way and I think that is. There are good things and bad things that come with that, and I think just part of that is just overall. Maybe my grieving is not feeling much emotion in general, and so maybe it's through a way of not something that you can't see. I guess it's not like I'm not going to be crying or something like that. I'm not much of a person that cries in general.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there's no way to really attach yourself to your dad because you never had him, so it's almost, maybe, a way of detaching yourself from the situation, maybe it's to avoid feeling the loss, maybe it's to avoid feeling the emotion. 1,000%, yeah, absolutely. What have you heard about your dad from other family members, whether from your mom or anybody else?
Speaker 2:To be honest, I haven't inquired much, so I don't think I've learned much. The main things are that he was a really, really funny guy, couldn't take much serious I definitely resonate with that and that he was a really great person, that he really wanted to be there for everyone, that he could help everyone, that he could and just genuinely be a kind, giving, loving human. And I mean that's what you want to hear, right? That's, if you have no idea of the good or the bad, like at least and I think part of that is right when you don't have any idea of who the person is, hopefully the people that are around you are going to tell you the good things, not the bad. Right, that really is all I can think of truthfully. Right, that really is all I can think of truthfully.
Speaker 1:Does hearing only good things about your dad make it harder to have never known him?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't know if it makes it.
Speaker 1:I'm going to actually I'm going to ask you a follow-up question on that. So I don't try to compare one guest to another, but I'm going to do a little bit of that here. Compare one guest to another, but I'm going to do a little bit of that here. And this is actually. This is a friend of mine who, at this point in time when you and I are speaking, I have not done the full interview yet, but we have had a few conversations and he is going to be a future interview. So, listeners, you're going to have to stay tuned because I'm not going to give too much away.
Speaker 1:So, this particular friend, he also lost his dad at six. He has next to no memory of his dad, and he's a year older than me, he's 49. And his grief has been pretty significant, especially the last number of years. He has kids of his own, he's becoming a grandfather and he's told me stories about how, if a certain movie is on, he can't even be in the room with it on. He will just become a bawling, blabbering mess, which I honestly love.
Speaker 1:That he is as willing to talk about this as he is, because, uh, something that I'm sure you've experienced, as I have, men are not good at being emotional, being outward with their feelings. Men are not good at being emotional, being outward with their feelings. He has told me that it bothers him that he has heard nothing but great things about his dad, because his internal response to that is well, those are your memories, I don't have shit, but you've got it all. And again this is him talking. He says I feel like I got cheated out of those memories because you know he was gone when I was six. I guess that's the point where I was kind of going toward do you, do you have any of that?
Speaker 2:you know, I don't. I don't think so because I think for me, like I, if I want to know the depths of the person that he was, I think I could find out some things that weren't so great about him. You know, like that, the whatever side of him, whether it's from a close family member, a friend or whoever it may be. But I think no, I mean, there's good and bad to everyone. So I know that he wasn't a perfect, he wasn't a perfect human by any means, and I think that's honestly. It's made it easier for me not knowing, and honestly, and I don't know again, I don't know if it's a good or bad thing, what I'm supposed to do, what I'm not supposed to do, but I haven't really inquired much because I feel, again, it doesn't give me much. The more I learn, maybe, the more it would make it more difficult on me. Good or bad, but I don't really ascribe meaning to, just because I've heard the good means that he was only a good person.
Speaker 1:Nothing saying that he was only a good person or that there's a horrible side of him that you have never known. I'm sure that that's not the case and I promise I'm not trying to get you to say, oh, I'm going to go dig for the dirt on his life just because there has to be something there. No, there doesn't have to be something there. He could have been an amazing man, an amazing dad.
Speaker 1:Just because your parents' marriage didn't last, it doesn't make him bad. It doesn't make your mom bad. It's just some people aren't meant to be married forever and that's okay. Do you think that there might be a time where you might go poking around for a little bit more information Again, not necessarily bad information, but just to learn whatever you can about your dad? Maybe as you get older, someday you may find somebody, fall in love, get married, want to start a family and, who knows, you might have the thoughts about what kind of a dad am I going to be? And because you didn't have that growing up, do you think that that's something that you might look for one day, just to hear it from other people?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, when I visit my grandmother, his mom, I definitely, the more I spend time with her, the more I ask questions like that, because I never thought about asking about him, you know, because if it was never really brought up, I'm not going to be the one to bring it up. You didn't discuss it. Yeah, I'm not. Yeah, it wasn't going to be me. That's bring it up, that's for sure. And so I think, more so recently, when I visit her, I'll be the one to initiate. Hey, do you mind if we watch some videos or look at some pictures or stuff like that and that'll get her brain thinking about more about who he was and the kind of person that he was? But because it was never initiated, I wasn't going to be the one to initiate it, and so I never really thought that there was any value in in doing so, I guess because it just again, it was more so.
Speaker 2:Grief was never something that I don't think most families talk too much about, just in general. No, they don't, and so I don't think it was something. That was something I wanted to bring up, or wanted to, because, as much as I didn't have much emotion attached to the person, I didn't want to dive into that conversation and have other people that did have a lot of emotion attached to him. You know, feel those things when they already felt it plenty of times.
Speaker 1:As far as your grandmother, are you close with her, attached to him. You know, feel those things when they already felt it plenty of times.
Speaker 2:As far as your grandmother, are you close with her? I wouldn't say close. I visit her two, three times a year and that's really when we chat the most. I would say Would love to chat with her more and visit more, but it's kind of like one of those relationships where, you know, I think generational gaps are difficult because you can't really talk about things that they understand, if that makes sense. Like if I were to explain what I do for work to my grandmother, she would just be like, okay, as long as you're safe and all right, you know. And so it's not like there's not much conversation there other than how are you doing? And we catch up, and that's about it. That's why we me and my sister we like to visit. We're actually visiting in a few weeks, or actually a month from now probably, and so just really like to, you know, do nothing else, but just be present with her when we're there.
Speaker 1:I can completely understand that, especially from the 20 year old male perspective. Yeah Right, so my dad's parents passed when I was young His mom, I'm sorry. His dad passed when I was nine. His mom passed when I was 14. My mom's parents it was completely the opposite. My grandmother is actually still alive, though unfortunately she's not doing overly well. My grandfather passed in 2017.
Speaker 1:So basically, I had a full set of grandparents until the age of 42. And I definitely cherished that a lot, and especially as I got older. Not that I didn't appreciate them when I was younger, but as I got older, I definitely grew to appreciate them even more than I already did. They were two of my favorite people in the world. I loved going out there and visiting them, just spending time whenever I could with them. When my wife and I met, obviously, we both went out there together go out for lunch, go out for dinner, whatever. Just go and spend a few hours with them, Just enjoy Just. Whatever we were talking about, it didn't matter. We were having so much fun just being present in the moment.
Speaker 1:And I will say that something that I realized the older I got is I really loved listening to the stories that they told about whatever it was. My grandfather fought in World War II. My mom was born in 1950. So that gives you an idea how old they are. It was great just to hear them talk about honestly whatever they wanted, because it was a unique view on history that I wasn't going to get from anywhere else and that's something that I loved and, as I said, I grew to cherish it more and more as I got older and I brought up your grandmother for that reason.
Speaker 1:When I was 20, I didn't necessarily appreciate all of the stories that I heard as I got a little bit older and I've already got the impression, just from the few conversations that we've had, that I could definitely see you being the kind of person that would appreciate that.
Speaker 1:So that's again not trying to point you in a specific direction, but just basically saying, if I could give a little bit of advice, I would say if you have the chance to have conversations with your grandmother, even if you're not overly close now, do it now, because that's a relationship differently than your dad, that's a relationship that you might be able to build on even more, and when your grandmother goes there will be a level of grief that I'm sure that you'll experience, that you didn't have with your dad. So I guess the only thing I would say out of that is get as much out of it as you can, and I think you will enjoy every bit of it. If you started a conversation with her and she just wanted to basically open up the dam and let all the stories come out you know when she was a kid, or you know when your dad was a kid or what he was like as an adult, what he was like when you were born, would those be stories that you'd be open to hearing?
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely. And I want to say too because I don't want it to seem like I'm not that close I think we live in different states and so seeing her in person is definitely not as common as we'd like it to be. Looking at it through the lens of how many times we see her is how many times and the amount of time that we spend with our family as we age really decreases, and it's unfortunate that it is that way. And I think for me, growing up losing family so young and unexpected, I didn't want it to be that way at all. So my grandmother, my mom's parents, are luckily still together and still alive, and I realized as I got older, the more I did value time with my grandparents. You know, at being a type A kind of person, I want to be in pursuit of my goals and move my career and my life forward, and we often, often overlook the time spent whether it's playing cards or it's, you know, whatever it may be with family, and I value that more than anything. So, um, like me and my grandfather have, when I'm home I'm in Hawaii now but, uh, when I'm in upstate New York, we go golfing every single week, every single week, and all I do is just ask him questions, because it's never again.
Speaker 2:Like I said, if it's not so much a conversation but it's more so just me inquiring, just me asking questions. Like a question I asked my grandfather a little while ago is what was your favorite age that you lived? Because that's that's something I'm curious about, because I find that the older I, the older I age I'm, I love where I'm at right now, but what does it feel like to be 30? Like, did you enjoy that period of time? And, funny enough, he said his favorite age was 17 and that was when he had his first daughter.
Speaker 2:And like that again, that makes me want to ask even more questions and with both of my grandmothers we play cards and stuff like that and I really do ask a lot of questions. So I guess it's not as much of a conversation, but it's more so just me asking questions, because I find the older people get maybe this is just my family the less curious that they are about me and more so just they want to talk, and so I love listening and love letting them talk. I've always been a really curious person and asking just. You know, I was always a person that asked a lot of questions, and so as much as time I can spend, I'm definitely the one asking questions and learning more, and even initiating the conversation to begin with, for sure.
Speaker 1:I love hearing that. From my experience and the conversations that I've had with my grandparents over the years, I can tell you that, yes, they probably or in your case, your grandmother will probably be the one who's going to be talking more and she's going to tell stories. She's probably going to tell a lot of stories that you're going to hear and you're going to say what the hell? You might just get into some crazy stories.
Speaker 1:The best advice in that situation I can give you is let her because, you're probably going to be laughing at yourself and you're going to be laughing inside while you're hearing it, but at some point you're going to remember those stories and you're really going to hold onto those and I think you're going to love them. And at the same time as the conversation progresses, I promise you she's going to start asking questions about you. She's going to start asking what your likes are, what your interests are, meaning things that I know, that she knows certain things about you, but things that she doesn't know. The more conversation you have with her, I think, the more curious she's going to start to get about you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely I think. Losing again, yeah, absolutely I think losing again. Losing family, young and unexpected, was such a like growing up. It felt like the, like life was just piling thing after thing on top of me and it felt like I was suffocated by all of the, the, the grief that I didn't really feel, but more so the what I didn't get to. I didn't have the, I didn't have the choice right, and so it led me down a path of just being very much more intentional the way I approach those kinds of conversations, family members, just in general. I don't have the biggest family that I know of, but the people that are surrounded, my grandparents, I cherish them like nobody's business, and so, yeah, those conversations definitely are being had for sure.
Speaker 1:I'd like to talk about your uncle and your grandfather for a minute. So your dad passed and you have no memory of him. Was it your uncle that was next?
Speaker 2:Yeah, my uncle passed at 37 as well.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and how soon after. Well, how old were you when he passed?
Speaker 2:I want to say I was 10 or around there. I honestly it feels like it's been so long since I remember I want to say around 10 or around there. I honestly it's it feels like it's been so long since I've I remember. I want to say around 10 or so.
Speaker 1:But you were old enough that you've got a lot of memories of your uncle. With your uncle I wouldn't say a lot.
Speaker 2:I wouldn't say a lot, truthfully. I would say little. My mom didn't let me really be with him one-on-one often because of the substance abuse, so if I saw him it was with my grandparents or at an event or something like that. Okay, it was my mother's brother. Amazing human, another just amazing human that I remember of him. Again, just wanted to be the funniest person in the room. Was going to be the funniest person in the room is what I remember of him, that's for sure.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:And then what about your grandfather? How old were you when he passed? Probably around the same time, I think he was 2016. I believe he passed about eight years ago, so that's probably 12 or so 11, 12. Yeah.
Speaker 1:What kind of feelings, what kind of grief, if any, do you remember from their passings?
Speaker 2:Yeah, my uncle was you know I have this when it comes to grief, if any. Do you remember from their passings? Yeah, my uncle was. You know, I have this when it comes to grief when I am told something, it doesn't register. So when my mom told me that my or actually my sister woke me up in the middle of the night and said my uncle just passed away just a few blocks from our house, actually it was kind of like yeah, right, like like no, like there's no, like yeah, like I just I just kind of like rubbed it off and was there for my mom, my sister, and then I saw him in a casket. And then, you know, tears come, but I don't.
Speaker 2:Grief doesn't happen until I literally see them in casket. I've noticed that a lot about myself. My grandfather, same exact way. My mom took me and my sister and sat us down and told us that my grandfather passed and I remember leaving the house and going for a walk and was just like just thinking, like trying to process what just happened. And it wasn't until probably a month later when we went and saw him in his, in his casket and I was fine. I was fine and he was in the military. So when the trumpets went off, my tears went down, that's for sure, but it wasn't until then. So I think it was, and I don't think it was after then either. Truthfully, I let it happen when I see them, but other than that I don't really. I didn't really.
Speaker 1:It sounds almost like you're saying you don't believe it's real unless you see them in a casket. Yeah, yeah, I've been to more funerals than I care to even put a number to, and I don't know. I used to think that I preferred an open casket funeral because I felt like I think, early on I felt like I needed to see the person. Yeah, I needed to. No matter how old I was, whether I was a kid or whether I was an adult, I needed to see it because it's just like you said, it's hard to wrap your head around the fact that this person that you have a relationship with, that you've spent so much time with, that you've known for your entire life, is never going to be there again, still at 48 years old. It's something that I can't wrap my head around entirely.
Speaker 1:How can we? Yeah, we can. It doesn't make any sense. I mean, we know that it happens. It is People die. We've both lost plenty of people in our lives. Everybody who's listening has lost people, but there's still something to it. And yet a closed casket funeral is you don't have that same vision, you don't have that same image. You don't have that same vision. You don't have that same image. And I think something that I've also learned over the years is I'd almost prefer now not to be an open casket funeral. I'll give one personal example my grandmother, my mom's mom. She is 93. She'll be 94 in December. 93. She'll be 94 in December. Unfortunately, at this point, she is suffering from advanced dementia. I haven't seen her in it's coming up on five years. The last time that I saw her was November of 2019. My wife and I went to visit her a regular visit took her out to lunch.
Speaker 1:She had a big lunch, we had a great time. We took her to a favorite restaurant. We went back to the house and spent a few hours with her and just talked and just had an amazing day and the weather sucked. It was raining, it was cold, and yet she was as happy as I had seen her in a long time. By that point, my grandfather had been gone about two years and she was rarely filled with joy when I saw her after that. I mean, they were married for almost 70 years.
Speaker 2:Wow.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I can't imagine getting to that point and then being separated and having any will to live. Then in 2020, obviously COVID happened. She ended up in the hospital with what right at the beginning of COVID, with actually what started as a urinary tract infection, and then she ended up getting COVID and she was in the hospital for six weeks Now. At this point she was almost 90. She was still independent. She basically did entirely her own thing. My aunt and uncle lived a half a mile away, so they stopped in and they checked on her every day, but I mean, she would frequently walk over to their house. This is on the east end of Long Island, where there's barely any people out there, so it's easy enough for her to do, but she was still very independent. And then she ended up in the hospital, like I said, for six weeks, and when she came out she was never the same. She's basically been bedridden since. Unfortunately, then she still had her wits about her. She was sharp, she knew what was going on, she understood it all. There were times that she was getting confused, but she did understand pretty much everything that was going on.
Speaker 1:I was going up to New York in July of 2020 for a different reason and I wanted to see my grandmother, but I didn't end up getting to. Everybody was worried about COVID, obviously. I mean I even drove so that I wouldn't be in airports and near people. It didn't happen. It sucked. At the time I understood why I wasn't able to see her, but I mean, I still hated it, but I got it. And up until that point, even after that point, she and I had had regular phone conversations, like at least once a week, sometimes twice a week, and sometimes she wouldn't be in a very talkative mood. Sometimes she would want to talk forever and whatever she wanted. I'm happy to give it to her Because at least at that point I can still continue the conversations, even when we're still in Texas, probably close to the end of into the fall, into the winter of 2020, that's when things really started to kind of go sideways and she was getting much more confused much more easily.
Speaker 1:There were the last few phone conversations that she and I had. I'm not even certain that she knew that it was me she was talking to. There were a couple of times when she called me by a different name. She was getting confused, she was getting upset, and whether it was a I don't know, maybe it was a selfish decision. At a certain point I stopped calling because I felt like I was upsetting her more by having these conversations with her and I didn't want to do that anymore.
Speaker 1:And I know this is a long, roundabout way of getting to the closed casket funeral. But I've made peace with the fact that I'm not going to see her alive again. I don't enjoy it, but I've made peace with it, because that last day that we did get to spend with her, it really was a perfect day Again. We had lunch, we spent hours in her house just listening to her talk, just having conversations, so many things and it was an amazing day. And my mom goes out there and sees her once or twice a week and she gives me updates all the time and I feel bad that my mom and my two uncles have to see her like that. But that's why I say, maybe selfishly, I'm just not going to, because at this point, from everything I've heard, I don't want to see her like that. I don't want to remember I. I would prefer to keep the memory of the last day that Kim and I saw her and have that as my final memory. And when?
Speaker 2:the funeral happens.
Speaker 1:I can only hope it's a closed casket, because I don't no matter what kind of condition she's in at this point, I don't want to see her like that. I'd rather hang on to this. So that's kind of where I was going. When I say that I, at this point in my life, really prefer closed casket funerals, I can accept it. Whether it's still a mystery in life, I can accept that it is what it is. Sorry, I know I completely hijacked the conversation, but that's just a little something that I haven't talked about before. So just a little ridiculous anecdote from your crazy host.
Speaker 2:No, I don't need to apologize whatsoever. I think stories are needed and yeah, I couldn't imagine. I've never experienced a closed casket, so I couldn't tell you if I prefer closed or open. I just know that when I see the person, my emotions like what used to feel like completely blocked the floodgates, kind of open, um. So I'm I'm personally grateful for it because you know I'm not a big crier. I really I couldn't tell you the last time I cried it's probably been years since I have um when I, when I feel open to or like there's just no way to get away from it, um, that happens usually when with an open cast it. But I can understand that from your grandma's perspective as well, or from your perspective on her.
Speaker 1:Definitely Total side question here when was the last funeral that you attended?
Speaker 2:It probably was my grandfather. I know there's been other funerals that were just maybe family, friends or stuff like that, but no one very important in my life, and so I chose not to go. I've been to services, for sure, but actual funeral yeah, it was probably my grandfather.
Speaker 1:You've gone to wakes, or Right, yeah, okay, that makes sense. What are some of the things that losing your dad so young have taught you?
Speaker 2:I think maybe it's a weird way of saying it, but it's more so what it hasn't taught me or what I wasn't taught, that I'm really grateful for. I think a lot of people grow up with a father that is down a certain path and they feel called to go down that path. For example, my dad was considered like his nickname at work was the boss. He had a mug that was the boss like everything. He was the boss at work, and so everyone called him the boss, and so he worked in bridges and my grandfather did. My uncle did not.
Speaker 2:The one that passed my father's brother, they all worked in the bridge industry, and so my uncle even tried to get me into that, in that realm, and I was. I told him no, and my grandfather tried to do the same thing, and so I feel as though if I grew up with my dad, I would have probably got encouraged to go down a path that I would not have been, I would not have found joy or fulfillment in doing, and so I'm almost grateful that he wasn't present, because it allowed me to carve my own identity, kind of go down the path that felt right to me and didn't have anyone outside of me other than my mom encouraging me, my mom, my sister encouraging me to do whatever I felt in alignment to go down, and so not having someone to kind of tell me I should do this or I'm supposed to do this, I'm grateful I didn't have.
Speaker 1:It sounds like the small amount of the relationships that you had or, in the case with your dad, the absence of the relationship is actually a lot of what has helped you grow into the person you are. You just said you made the decision early on when they tried to kind of steer you in one particular direction. I mean, I'm sure it wasn't force fed or anything, but I'm sure that there was some nudging, some prodding, some strong encouragement. But you had a plan, you knew what you wanted to do and it sounds like you knew what you. Maybe, even if you didn't know exactly what you wanted to do early on, you knew what you didn't want to do. And that's some pretty significant growth right there from an early age.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think it's something that I was just speaking about yesterday and I think is like one of the most valuable things in the world is so many people like a lot of friends that I went to school with are have no idea what they want to do with their lives. They're they like. I've created the job and found positions where I love what I get to do. I'm so grateful. I make my own hours, I get to work with amazing people, I get to have an impact on people. It's it's amazing, but there's so many people out there that don't know what they want to do, and the thing that I often say is, if you don't know what you want to do, because it's really hard, there's a thousand million things that you can do in this life.
Speaker 2:Figure out what you don't figure out what you don't want, because if you figure out what you don't want, it's going to point you towards what you do want. If you don't want, if you don't want to work a nine to five, okay, then entrepreneurship might be your route, might be sales Like it, might be something like that. But yeah, it definitely helped me realize what I don't want. I mean my, my, my uncle that is still alive, my father's brother and my grandfather and my dad all worked in the industry that I stayed in. They worked most days and so they really didn't get much time home with family, and I realized at a really young age that I don't want to have that kind of lifestyle where I'm working and I'm away from family.
Speaker 2:And so, like my grandfather is a great example. He passed at 66, a few months before his retirement. Like me, my family, we had this whole idea that when he retires we're going to go to, you know, disney world or we're going to go on a cruise or we're going to have some kind of fun. And then he passed just a few months before we even got to the planet, and so to have that happen, it's like dude, it truly is not. Nothing is promised by any means.
Speaker 2:And so why would I spend my whole life working to get to retirement, to then enjoy my life, when my grandfather did that and he didn't even get to enjoy it he worked since he was, you know, born. It felt like, and so I definitely didn't want that and it definitely helped me instill that and I think, too, it helped me realize the, the, how important time is and how precious it really is, because having it happen unexpected, it's just kind of like just to live even more for today. And you know I still look forward to tomorrow and everything, but I think it's really important to live for today.
Speaker 1:Never were truer words spoken than that. I'm sure that everybody will say I don't have it all figured out, I don't know all the things. Yet you've put yourself on a path just by knowing the things that you didn't want to do pointed you into the direction of the things that you do want to do. I would love for you to talk a little bit about what it is that you are doing, but before we do that, I have another question what has been the toughest part about losing three of the most important male figures in your life, so young?
Speaker 2:Not having any kind of masculine figure to know or to lean on. I guess, just in general to lean on, you know I grew up playing baseball, so you know most dads are on. I guess, just in general to lean on. You know I grew up playing baseball, so you know most dads are the third base coach, first base coach they're sitting in the stands, that kind of thing, and it just wasn't, it wasn't present for me. And so I think just not having any father figure in general, as much as it was great not having anything to idolize or to look after it also you know a mother, as much as my mom was the mother and father, she could not be the father, she just couldn't. You know what I mean. She doesn't have those characteristics and so it was. I think just not having a guy to confide in in general was definitely probably the most difficult part.
Speaker 1:It still is, as we discussed the first time that we talked. My parents also got divorced when I was two years old and my mom basically had to play the role of the mom and the dad, and I grew up seeing my dad on weekends every other weekend but even when I was with him, as I've outlined I don't have to rehash everything here, it's all available in the first several episodes of the podcast but it wasn't the best relationship. He definitely did some things that he could have done better Doesn't mean that he was all bad, because he was not, but it was not the easiest relationship to have and, of course, he was not giving my mom a lot of support, so she had to do it all by herself and she did it with me and my brother and I think you said you have a sister. Is she your only sibling?
Speaker 2:Yes. Okay, Older right, yes, five years.
Speaker 1:You completely understand that too, because your mom was essentially a single mom of two kids. Life never works out the way that we exactly want it to. Would you say that you're happy with how your mom raised you? And, as hard as it probably was to raise a boy and a girl by yourself and to be playing the role of both parents, do you think your mom did a good job?
Speaker 2:Oh, my God, the best. When we spoke earlier about not spending too much time with you know, grandparents, that kind of thing. Me and my mom chat every single day, every single day, me and my sister every few days. Like me, my mom, my sister have, like, we're all best friends, like, the older I've got, the more I cherish my relationship with my mom, my sister. They are the most important people in my life, that's for sure.
Speaker 2:And even to this day I still tell my mom, I mean, I couldn't imagine this economy, but let alone, you know, 10 years ago, 20 years ago, um, I don't know how she did it, genuinely don't know how. Um, because I, you know, you grow up and you realize bills are a thing and you know everything, even food nowadays. Like, I genuinely don't know how she did it, I have no, I have no idea. You know, in every parent is going to give down on unresolved trauma that they never went through or they never dealt through themselves, and so I definitely got some of that, and you know every single parent's going to do it. But, um, my, the best compliment I think my mom can get is how great she raised two kids, and that's the compliment she gets probably most often. So no, I think she did an amazing job. That's awesome.
Speaker 1:You know, on the side of groceries. Um now, I haven't been to Hawaii in 15 years, but what I do remember very distinctly is that the price of pretty much everything in Hawaii was significantly more expensive than it was when I was in New York.
Speaker 2:I'm sure that's still the case.
Speaker 2:It is I've been saying this since I've got here that everyone I get in contact with I'd never thought I would wish for New York prices. Never thought, never thought. From the gas to the eggs Like I filled not even a half tank for 40 bucks the other day, not even like it wasn't. It was barely a quarter of a tank for $40. And because it's like $5 and 60 cents or something right now in Hawaii it's, it doesn't make sense. For a gallon and then for one carton of eggs it's $12. $12. It's definitely been something I've had to get used to, that's for sure. You live in paradise and you spend money like paradise, that's for sure.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, you get paradise, but you're going to pay a damn premium to have that paradise, and the worst part of it, too, is I'm still paying New York City taxes, or New York State taxes, because this is my home base I've just been living here, so or New York state taxes, so cause I'm not this is my home base.
Speaker 2:I've just been living here, so my residence is still in upstate New York, and so, man, those taxes, I don't know, I just don't. I'm very passionate about this. The taxes, man, I can't, I don't even want to get into that.
Speaker 1:No, I hear you. I think we could probably do an entire separate episode just on the absurdity of how expensive everything is.
Speaker 2:Yeah, 1000%.
Speaker 1:And I know that everybody listening they have their reasons. They're probably in the same place. They want to say that they're politically fueled or whatever. I mean, I don't think that they are. I think things are absurdly expensive. I think COVID did do a lot to really accelerate that problem. It disrupted the global supply chain for everything. And unfortunately, prices go up and prices are not always going to come back down, and frequently they don't.
Speaker 2:They don't, because it creates a new baseline, and so then we just rise from there, it just keeps going oh yeah. Man, man, man. It's absurd. Yeah, I hate seeing the stuff when you go on social media and you see what a Chipotle burrito was just 10 years ago and it's like man back in those days.
Speaker 1:My wife and I were just talking about the absurdity of prices yesterday, how it's difficult to go out to dinner even now and not spend any $100 easily. And we're not going out to fancy restaurants. I just go out for dinner and we get one appetizer that we share. We get an entree each. We frequently don't even get dessert. Last time she had one drink. I don't even think I had a drink, I think I just had iced tea because I just wasn't in the mood. I know it's crazy to think that I wasn't in the mood for a drink. Not that I'm an alcoholic or anything. I enjoy a drink but it's a little pricey, whatever, but it was like $85. I wanted it.
Speaker 2:Nowadays, what used to be fast food is now what a sit-down place used to be. So you go to. I don't eat fast food. Chipotle is probably the only fast food I guess you could say I eat, but I've seen prices of McDonald's and stuff like that. I haven't been to a McDonald's in genuinely I don't know how long years many, many years and I think it's like $15 for is it a Big mac or is that big mac? Is mcdonald's?
Speaker 1:yes, yeah I think it's like 15 bucks or something I was mixing that with um the.
Speaker 2:The whopper, I think, is from burger king. Yeah, but those are like that's what you know applebee's used to be, and the prices, or even is now. So it's just like, yeah, yeah, prices are definitely insane, that's for sure.
Speaker 1:That's for sure and, yeah, I think hawaii is probably the worst as far as states in this country and I get it I mean, yeah, hawaii is what? Like 3 000 miles away from any main body of land I think so yeah, so yeah everything has to arrive either. What are the? Either cargo planes or ships. Yeah, and it it costs to get it there. Yeah, it costs to get it there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it costs to spend year two, man, that's for sure. When I found out how much eggs were, I was like cause I?
Speaker 1:well, dollars for a dozen of eggs. I eat eggs.
Speaker 2:Like eggs are like I've. I don't remember last day I didn't have at least three eggs in a day and yeah, yeah, I found out about that. I was like man, like if you go to walmart or you know costco, I realized we don't have costco. In new york, where I'm from, we have. We have sam's club, sam's costco. Costco is a game changer. Uh, I did not like wow. It makes every. It makes it affordable in a way, truthfully, which is which is awesome yeah, costco is in certain things, a lifesaver.
Speaker 1:I mean, we, when we first moved to tampa two years ago, we ended ended up getting the Costco membership just to save on gas, because I know not every Costco has a gas station but this one does, and I mean it's like seven minutes away from the house but the difference in prices from the average gas station around to Costco is usually anywhere from 20 to 40 cents a gallon, usually anywhere from 20 to 40 cents a gallon.
Speaker 2:So yeah, I mean just for the for the.
Speaker 1:Whatever the cost of the membership is for the year, we save more than that just on the price of gas, not to mention all the other great deals that we take advantage of.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, oh yeah, it is I when I went there here, cause I hadn't been to a Costco in years since I when I was. Then when I got here, I went to one and I thought, man, like I wish we had a Costco back at home, cause this is, this is amazing, this is amazing. Costco is Costco's the shit. It's amazing. I think I was like this is the best store I've ever been in my life. Like I was looking at steaks. I'm thinking like 11 bucks a steak. This is, this is amazing. Like I've never seen anything like it. It is I don't at this I I going out to eat unless it's like a really special occasion.
Speaker 1:I just I made great food at home. I would rather just do that. Yeah, you know, my wife is. I'm very lucky in the sense of food because my wife is, uh, she's a chef. Um, she well, she went to culinary school. She will tell you she's not a chef. She went to culinary school. She got a degree. She's a chef.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the first company that she worked for out of culinary school she started in the kitchen but basically became more of a project manager. So she knew she didn't want to work in a restaurant working 12, 14 hours a day, five, six days a week. She didn't want to do that. She ended up going into research and development and recipe development, and she loves doing that. She ended up going into research and development and recipe development, and she loves doing that. She's the best project manager I know, but at the same time, she can cook better than almost anybody I know. And she was getting ready to start this when we first got together. She's getting ready to go to culinary school and the list of things that I would eat at the time was probably about this long.
Speaker 1:And now the list of things yeah, eat at the time was probably about this long. And now the list of things. Yeah, because I didn't want to eat. I liked what I liked, I didn't want to try anything new. Now the list of things that I won't eat is like this tiny little list. She basically said look, I'm going to need a guinea pig and here's what we're going to do. I'm going to make what I'm going to make. Try it. If you don't like it, no questions asked, you don't have to have it again. And I can't even count, on one hand, the number of things that she has made that I do not enjoy. I mean, liver and onions is my all-time worst meal, because my mother fucking destroyed me with that. She loves fried liver. My mother and I had an agreement when I was still living at home that she would let me know 24 hours in advance when she was going to make liver, because I would stay somewhere else that night because it stuck up the whole fucking house. It was awful.
Speaker 2:Anything fried does not. I haven't fried food just does not work in my body. I get everything grilled.
Speaker 1:I mean look, I love fried food. Don't get me wrong.
Speaker 2:It's great, but it does not do well with my body. I get everything grilled.
Speaker 1:I mean, look, I love fried food, don't get me wrong, it's great, but it does not do well with my body. No, definitely, you've got to be careful. I mean, liver is one of the few things fried that I just will not touch, but again, there's such a small number of things that I won't eat. At this point I came to realize it wasn't the food that I didn't enjoy.
Speaker 2:It was how it was made.
Speaker 1:Yes, God bless my mother and my grandmother. But the vegetables they boiled everything, yeah. When I was a kid, like yeah, I mean, it basically turned into baby food and it was just disgusting. And you know, when I first started learning about, you know, grilling vegetables and sauteing them and roasting them, I'm like, oh my God, this is a whole new world.
Speaker 2:You're making me hungry, yeah, yeah, it's. It's so true, cause I hated vegetables as well, and since I've been here, even like I, the amount of green, like greens that I have in my fridge my sister won't believe it, like I and I'll and then I'll show her, because I was similar. I think travel has really helped me expand my food horizon. Funny enough, I've met two people here since I've been here that were chefs, and so it's like it's so, it's so perfect. But I've really fallen in love with cooking over the past few years, because my mom did not cook that's one thing that she never did and never will do, and even for herself and so we didn't get any kind of meals that were good by any means, and so we didn't get any kind of meals that were good by any means, and so I started cooking for myself a couple of years ago, and I think, the more that you do it, it's like a meditation of some sort, where you really just start to enjoy it, and if your wife's doing it, that's even better.
Speaker 1:Man, that's a good game. Well, yeah, it's a game changer that she is a chef and I totally got the winning lottery ticket there, Just that, and also the fact that she's the best person ever. But when it comes to food, one of our running jokes is if we had had a prenup, it would have been that she gets the kitchen and I get the grill and the smoker. The first time that I made her a steak, she said this is clearly going to be your job. I mean, I've had friends in Texas that have all the barbecue and beef and everything, all the access to everything they could possibly want to have told me that I've ruined steakhouse experiences with some of the steaks that I've made. So if you ever find your way to Tampa or we find our way to Hawaii, we meet up someday I'm going to make you the best damn steak you've ever had.
Speaker 2:I hope so. I love steak. Steak and eggs would probably be my last meal on this earth. Steak and eggs, and put some sweet potato in there. That's about it. It's all I need. So nice yeah. I love how we get down this rabbit hole, man, I love it.
Speaker 1:I love how we get down this rabbit hole and hopefully it's a little bit entertaining for the listeners. And if you guys aren't entertained, I'm sorry, but you really should be, because this is a great story and I love having conversations like this because it shows that even when we're talking about really terrible topics, you can still find joy in life 1000%, I think, the memories that I do have of the people that have passed.
Speaker 2:It's laughing when I spend time with my grandmother, when I spend time with family in general, like I heard something once that when you get to the end of your life, you're never going to regret laughing more, and so in all times that I can, I'm trying to take it, spend it laughing, especially with family.
Speaker 1:That's the best thing that you can do. Laughing is something you need to do all the time and also something that you're never going to say on your deathbed is and I tell this to people all the time nobody I promise nobody on their deathbed has ever said I wish I worked more, I wish I spent more time at work and spent less time with my family or whatever. I love that, and we're going to get to what you do in just a second. I promise. I love that, at 20 years old, you are carving out a path of doing something that you absolutely are passionate about and you love doing it. As you said, there are people that go through their entire lives without knowing what they want to do or what they enjoy, and you started figuring this out really early on. You knew what you didn't want to do and it led you to figure out what you do want to do, and now you're living a pretty damn good life, my friend. Yeah, I'm really grateful for it.
Speaker 2:I'm really grateful for it.
Speaker 1:Why don't you tell us all what it is that you do and how this 20-year-old has found his way into this life of complete happiness and laughter and just loving everything?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think for me, like I said, I realized what I didn't want, and that was I never understood from going through school that I'm going to for per hour, I'm going to get paid per hour. That infuriates me to this day because it because it that pretty much means that you're never going to be able to escape that, because there's no way to scale. There's no way to scale that, there's no way to create leverage, and that's what I always wanted. So I started listening to podcasts, started reading books, started listening from people that felt like they were much further ahead of me, and I invested into a coaching program to learn how to become a personal coach for people which, at the time, I had no idea what I was doing. I had absolutely no idea what that even meant, and I joined over a thousand coaches of people just trying to be essentially life coaches for other people, and I think there's a big stereotype around what that means and not a lot of good things that come with that.
Speaker 2:What I will say is what I learned in becoming a coach was that I don't have to have the answers. It's right, like when someone, when I became a life coach at 17 years old, people looked at me like I was nuts. I knew it didn't make any sense. You're 17. You've barely lived any life. How can you coach anyone else on theirs? What I realized was I don't have to have the answers. I don't have the answers, but I do have the questions. I'll ask you some really insightful questions to help you get to your own answers, because 99% of the time, we have the answers within us, but we don't have the courage to ask the questions, to actually get to the depths of why we're taking action or why we're not taking action, or why we're dealing with X problem so this gets me to losing family made me realize that you need to live with intention if you want to create a life that you really, really love.
Speaker 2:And one of the things I found is a question I often asked was why is it that we know we the change we need to make, but we don't make the change? Like, why is it that we know we probably should be healthier, we should, you know, walk more, we should do these things, but that we don't do it? One because we don't have clarity on why we're, why we're doing it to begin with, why we're not taking the action or why we're doing the bad habit and then we don't have the accountability to actually take action on the thing we want to take action on. And so for me it was getting into coaching was one of the most powerful things and things that just fills me up with joy, because I don't have to.
Speaker 2:I'm not this perfect person that has all the answers, but I can help people get to their own answers and take the action that they say they want to take but they have yet to do. And so I got into that work. I got into podcasting and marketing and sales and everything in between, and it was just a lot of figuring out how I could help other people kind of figure out what they want to do with their lives and why they're not doing the things that they say they want to do Damn.
Speaker 1:I'm gone for hours truthfully yeah, 17,. You started. I mean most people in their mid-20s don't have a clue of what they really want to do in their life, and if they have a clue they figure it's just unachievable or unrealistic. You completely threw caution to the wind. You knew what you wanted to do. You went after it. How much joy has that brought you.
Speaker 2:Most days I wake up not really believing where I am or the life that I've created, because it doesn't seem real. It's created a lot of joy, being able to see the changes that I can help other people make in their lives. That is just so it's. There's nothing more fulfilling.
Speaker 2:Truthfully and yeah, I mean it was I invested a lot of money. This didn't just come out of nowhere. I invested more money than I had in my bank account at the time to kind of figure out how to run this business, how to help people and what that means to be a coach. But it's brought me a lot of joy, that's for sure, and it also is unfortunate that I, in doing so, I see how many other people like if I want to go travel, I want to go to Columbia, I'm going to Columbia in beginning of January next year, and I want to go to Japan soon. There's so many things that I want to do that I realized so many other people just don't have the ability to do, and so it just makes me want to help people even more to access how great life really can be.
Speaker 1:If somebody is hearing this and is inspired by something that you're saying hopefully by a lot of what you're saying if somebody wants to work with you, how can they reach you?
Speaker 2:Instagram's mainly the best bet. It's kind of like my website without a website. It's just where people can go to shoot me a DM or engage with my content. That kind of stuff. That's it. And then YouTube I have my podcast and Apple Podcasts, spotify, all that kind of stuff. You can listen to me speak with other amazing humans.
Speaker 1:Would you be willing to share your contact information your Instagram, youtube, everything after this episode and then I can post it on the episode notes? Absolutely, absolutely. That's awesome. I think that everybody is going to enjoy that. I can't wait to get on your Instagram page because I want to take a look and see all the things that you do as well.
Speaker 1:One of the things that I really love about having these conversations is, even though we're talking about stories that involve loss and trauma and tragedy and abuse in a lot of cases not all of them, but a good number of them most of the people that I have spoken with have found their paths through what they went through and, in a lot of cases, to be able to help other people, whether it was something that they wanted to do anyway or whether it was because this was how they rose above what they went through earlier in life. And I'm personally always inspired by anybody that I get to talk with to tell the story of why they're doing what they're doing and for people who just genuinely want to help other people. And I love that you're doing that and I love that you're sharing that with everybody and, like I said, I really hope that at least someone will take advantage of the contact information that you're going to provide me and reach out to you. What are the age ranges of people that you work with?
Speaker 2:It's amazing because I'm young, I used to see it as something that limited me from helping people, and the more people that I worked with, the more I realized it was kind of like a superpower in a way, because me, being young, I have a fresh perspective that the older you get, the less I don't want to say the less optimistic you become, but the less open you are to receiving help, I think. I think a lot of people want to do it on on their own. So I've worked with people from the ages of nine years old. One of my first clients was a nine-year-old and one of my first clients was also a 43-year-old woman. So I've worked with every age, really everyone in between. I usually resonate with people that are my age or older than me truthfully, because I find those are the people that actually want to make a change.
Speaker 2:A lot of people say they want to make change in their lives, but rarely many people actually take action to do it, and I think it's a similar reason you started this podcast. You want to help people where they're at, through stories, and so for me it was. I realized I lost family really young. It had to have been for a reason. I mean I can. It can be for whatever reason, but I'm going to ascribe a reason that supports me and so for me, it was okay. I seen people pass young I. Most people are coasting through their lives, not loving it, not enjoying it, not creating a life they love. Well, let me help people get ahead of that so they don't have to wait till they pass or wait till it gets to. You know, something gets so bad where they're forced to make a positive change. Let's make positive change before it gets to that point, so you can get ahead of the curve and start actually doing the things you want to do. I love that.
Speaker 1:Are you happy with where you are in life?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't, like I said, I don't. Some days I wake up and I'm like there's no way I'm in Hawaii right now. Yeah, absolutely. I think there's always more we could do, but I really, more so than ever, have given less meaning to external achievements and more so internal achievements. Meaning to external achievements and more so internal achievements. So, rather, instead of how much money do I make or how many people follow me, it's more so how do I feel on a day-to-day basis and how am I impacting people when I'm speaking with them? And I think that's one of the things that I wish was more talked about. Where it's. We value things we can see, just because we can see them metrics but we don't value the things we can't see, and that's time with family.
Speaker 1:That's how much fulfillment we have in our days and, yeah, yeah, of all the things that we can buy, time is the one thing that we can, and we really need to focus our lives in a way that we can spend more time doing the things that we want to do and not just watching time fly by and just float right past us.
Speaker 1:One of the questions that I hate hearing the most working in the corporate world, because I've been in the pharma industry pharma clinical trial industry for coming up on 29 years In job interviews, in performance reviews, a question that I hear frequently, which I hate hearing, is where do you want to be in five years? What do you want to do in five years? And I hate that because, yes, I have goals and I have desires and ambitions, but frequently, when I've been asked that question, I say I want to hone in on what I'm doing now. I want to master what I'm doing now and I don't want to focus on what my plan is in five years, because that plan is going to change 12,000 times. Focus on the here and now. I like to keep the window a little bit tighter three months, six months, maybe a year at a time. So I'm not going to ask you where you hope to be in five years. But I would like to ask you what kind of short and long-term goals do you have for yourself, for the growth of your business?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, I'm with you on that as well. I think when you look five years, yeah it's going to change. Like I could not have predicted I would be in Hawaii right now. I have, like it showed up. It just happens. I would not have predicted anything that has happened in my life. So, no, I don't like think that either. Truthfully, I think of more of direction rather than speed or what. I have a lot of detachment to my goals. So there isn't many things that, not to say there isn't many things that I want to do. I definitely want to travel travel something I really prioritize but I really think spending time in different countries is something I value a lot of. I spent some time in Costa Rica earlier this year. I'm going to spend some time in Columbia in the beginning of next year. I'm in Hawaii, so I might as well go visit Japan.
Speaker 1:There's a lot of yeah, you're halfway there.
Speaker 2:You know what I'm saying. I mean, I, I really I'm sitting here and I'm like man, I really want to go to Japan. Um, travel is something that's really big for me. Um, finding uh closer friendships and relationships, and I really really, really really value human connection and I think working online it is one of the most difficult things to do because you really have to initiate it more than ever. And so creating more like close knit relationships and just building relationships in general all around, I think, is one of the things.
Speaker 2:I love people. I think there's good in everyone and I love seeing the good in everyone, and so definitely building relationships with people and whether that's business or not. And then for business, personally, I really don't think of where I would like to be in five years. I'm more so like I'm such a day to day person, because if I'm not enjoying my day to day, I wouldn't, I wouldn't want more of what I already have five years from now. And so if I get to have a conversation with a cool human on the podcast each week sick. If I get to have coaching calls with people and help them kind of work through some things that they can't work through by themselves sick. I you know I've really. Since I've been here in Hawaii, the more I have realized that more I don't necessarily think it's what I want, and what I mean by that is like more doesn't always have to be your goal. I think whatever you define as success is something that you get to choose, and so success for me is just like am I enjoying every day?
Speaker 1:Are you?
Speaker 2:happy, exactly, yeah, like, am I fulfilled? Do I feel like I have a purpose? Do I feel like I'm impacting people? Do I feel like, yeah, those are the things that I think matter. You know, there was a period in time when I really cared about how many people you know followed me. I really really wanted to grow that and I love the podcast to get out to more people and love to impact more people. But, yeah, I think, just enjoying each day and impact If I'm impacting people, like I would much rather work one-on-one with people than I would in a group with people, and so scaling the business might mean to I can only work with a group of people rather than one-on-one, but I enjoy one-on-one and so I don't necessarily need to grow just because I'm supposed to, you know. So, um, I don't have many specific goals because I find goals limit me because once I get there, then I just have to make another one and then shoot for that and then hopefully find joy in it, just enjoying each day really.
Speaker 1:I think that's probably the best answer you can give.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I really hope that everybody finds this interview as much of a breath of fresh air as I have. It's inspiring to talk to somebody who's so young that is loving life so much, and I'm so grateful that you've been willing to come on here and talk about the things that we talked about, to talk about your loss and how it has affected you the positive and the negative and it seems like you definitely have received a lot more positive from these losses than negative, starting with your dad's loss, something that hasn't had a profound impact on you because you never had him in your life, but the other two main male figures in your life that you've also lost. So, yes, there has been a void there from not having a male figure, a male role model to grow up with, and yet you've taken life by the horns and you've done so many incredible things. I think the best word that I can come up with is inspiring. It shows that you really can do whatever you want to do if you put your mind to it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think it's, and I appreciate that immensely. I'm really trying to get better at receiving compliments, because we're all our hardest critic on ourselves.
Speaker 1:We are our own worst critics. I'm I wrote the book on that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, um, when I, I realized that life can happen to you or it can happen for you and it's up to you to decide.
Speaker 2:And so, like the first two tattoos, I got where you can't really see it, but it says perspective, and it's all in different ways, cause that's the point of perspective, and then love yours right there as well, and those cause, those are the two things I think we can value. Most is what we already have, is gratitude, and in perspective is any experience can be good or it can be bad, or it's all what you make it. It is an experience period, but whatever label you give, it is what it's going to be. And so for me, it was just realizing at a young age real young that either I can let it take me down and be the reason that I don't achieve things because I lost family, or it can be the reason that I live with a lot more intention than I could have. And so that was. It was just taking a different perspective on it, and I think everyone has the privilege to do that.
Speaker 1:It's just unfortunate that a lot of us aren't given the tools to be able to do so. That's the biggest thing. I think that is something that can be said for all of us and for the previous generations, some of the folks that I've spoken with. They've definitely faced some hard times early in their life. I've had a wide range of stories parents that were alcoholics, parents that were abusive, parents that were just were not even there, and still everyone has found a way to rise above everything and to basically, like I said, what you're doing taking life by the horns and making the best possible life for them. You can either, as you said, you can control your life, or you can let it control you. I love that you have recognized early enough in your life, well before we've even had this conversation. As a middle teenager, you're getting a feel for what you wanted to do and you have absolutely taken control of it. It really is inspiring to see this and I hope that I can continue to be part of your journey. I hope we can stay in touch because I want to see what you're going to do going forward. It doesn't have to be a five-year plan or a 10-year plan. I want to see what your tomorrow plan is, and tomorrow after that and the tomorrow after that, and I haven't had a chance to be part of your story until recently, until we got to talk, but I can already tell that what you're doing is changing lives and I hope that I'm going to see a lot of people that have been affected in a very positive way by the things that you're doing, the same way that I hope that what I'm doing here will be able to facilitate some kind of change. My goal is to get people talking, because grief is very powerful. It can be near impossible or it can be something that you can get through with some degree of ease. The biggest thing is talking about it. So I already know what my goal is here, and it's not to change a billion lives, it's to change a few lives at a time, particularly one life at a time. When I do these interviews and hopefully the people that are listening I'm going to get a few people, and then a few people, and then a few people, and hopefully we can, as I've said so many times, build a community where it can spread. The people that I speak with will, I don't know, feel some kind of a change, feel empowered to help other people, because that's really what this is all about.
Speaker 1:Growing up, when I did as you've said in your family, you guys don't talk about grief, I promise you, it was the same with me, and I'm almost 30 years older than you. I think it was probably worse when I was growing up because men, boys especially we were never encouraged. We were basically discouraged. Talking about this stuff why, what's the point? What are we learning? What are we getting out of it? By not having a conversation, by ignoring it until it goes away, we're getting nothing.
Speaker 1:And the same way that you said how you can either control your life or you can let your life control you not talking about these kinds of topics is being controlled by the narrative. It's letting our lives control us. It's basically saying, okay, yeah, we don't need to talk about it, but then when it hits us like a ton of bricks, we don't have the tools. I just think that we can all do better. I think we owe it to ourselves to do better and I think that what you're doing is remarkable and it's showing everybody that everybody really does have the tools to take control of their own life. And I wasn't kidding. I want to see where you go with this and I'm excited for you. I can't wait to see it.
Speaker 2:I appreciate you, cause we definitely will stay in touch and I'm right with you on that. I think, whether it's through the podcast or through coaching, for me as well, is just creating a safe place. A lot of people don't have a safe place to just be honest, vulnerable, express how they're feeling, and so, if they don't have a safe place, they hold things in and then they never deal with the exact problems that they're going through. We all need that.
Speaker 1:And absolutely we do, and I will also throw this out to you that if there comes a point when you do realize that there might be something that you want or need to process related to the loss of your dad or your uncle or your grandfather or, quite honestly, anything else, you always know how to get in touch with me. And I hope that if there comes a point where you do need to talk to somebody, obviously if you feel that you would be better served by speaking with a professional, speaking with a therapist, then I can't begrudge you there. But if there's a conversation that you decide you would like to have, I would love to be the one to have it with you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I appreciate that immensely. Just invitation is all I need. I appreciate you immensely and I appreciate this conversation and from the first time we spoke a week ago, I don't even know- yeah, a week, week and a half ago. We both said it's kind of like we knew each other before we even like the conversation was just so easy just to begin with. Yeah, I knew right away.
Speaker 1:You were so easy to talk to and I'm amazed that again I hate to keep referring back to your age and I know we've made a couple of jokes about it, but at 20 years old, I mean you're, you're so articulate, you're so well-spoken, and that's. That's not easy to find with somebody my age, much less yours.
Speaker 2:I feel it's. I don't want to say it's come easy, because it definitely. I don't think it has. I've recorded hundreds of podcasts, over 250 podcasts. I've created thousands of pieces of content, so it feels normal. It feels regular. Now it doesn't really feel like it's a. I guess I wouldn't say it doesn't feel like a skill, but it doesn't really feel like something I'm doing. It's just more so how I express myself.
Speaker 1:I guess yeah, I love that. Don't ever stop. I mean stop. If you decide you don't want to do this anymore, then stop and find something else to do. But until you get to that point, don't ever stop. Keep your foot on the gas, because you are going to change the world, my friend.
Speaker 2:And you are as well, and you're doing it and we're all doing it in our own way, and I think for a lot of people need to hear it too is whether you're having a conversation with someone at a grocery store. You're actually working with people and helping them, trying to work through some things. We can all have an impact on the world. We all, hopefully, are having an impact on the world, and I think that we just have to realize that more and just realize it doesn't have to be such a massive thing to say that you've made an impact on somebody.
Speaker 1:It doesn't have to be a massive thing at all. The world has changed in little steps. It doesn't have to be leaps and bounds, but people have to also be open to taking those little steps. And that's the hard part getting some people to take those first couple of steps.
Speaker 2:I think it's the core of why I started my podcast was because the you Can Too podcast is essentially, like you said and I've heard from plenty of other people I'm inspiring because I started so young. But it was just like I felt like there was a voice in my head growing up that I felt like I needed to do it. But the purpose of it is we go through life with so many beliefs that don't serve us, whether it's what we can do, or what the world is supposed to be, or the world is a bad place, there's evil people, whatever it may be. You can have those beliefs, but they don't serve you, and so I think such a big part of life is taking on beliefs that serve you, whether they're true or they're untrue, like just take on the belief that serves you, because that's going to be the one that leads you to a better life. And taking on the belief that small steps actually do make incremental change and will help you is a belief that people need to take on.
Speaker 1:It doesn't all have to happen overnight. It doesn't have to happen in one fell swoop. It can happen a little bit at a time. And it does, and it does every single day, with every single one of us.
Speaker 2:And you may not see it. You may not see it. That's what the challenge is. Right, one of us? And you may not see it. You may not see it.
Speaker 1:That's what the challenge is right. That is the challenge, because a lot of people don't want to wait for the little steps to become little differences and then a little bit bigger difference, and then a little bit bigger difference. We live in an age of instant gratification and unfortunately, that's what everybody wants. Nobody wants to wait the length of time required to achieve a goal. Things don't happen instantly not only that too.
Speaker 2:To double down on, that is when I started at 17, I wasn't even thinking about like, like. There, of course it was. I had way more, I guess you could say, ambitious when I was 17 than I am right now. And when I say ambitious I mean in the sense of like we. We value the things that we can see, as I said earlier, if we put too much emphasis on whatever that means, rather than the things that we can't see. And the thing again, the things we can't see is what really is is valuable.
Speaker 1:You're absolutely right. I think that's a good point to stop, and we have one more part of this interview that we're going to do. I don't think that I mentioned it to you, so surprise. It fast fire round right, I did. Okay, I did mention. I couldn't remember if I told you about it.
Speaker 2:Yes, I was wondering if it was going to happen.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, oh of course it's going to happen. Gotten off the hook without having to answer these questions, not even my wife.
Speaker 2:Good, I love to hear it.
Speaker 1:All right, we are going to go through some of these random questions and we're going to get to learn a little bit more about you than we already have. Let's do it. I love it All right. First question how often is it healthy to cry? Okay, fine.
Speaker 2:Maybe this one has a little bit to do with the interview man. I don't know how. I don't know, because for me, like I said, I haven't cried in a very long time and I don't really. I don't know if that's how I express emotion and maybe that's again a good thing or a bad thing. I'm not sure, but I don't know. I think that's all. It's subjective, it's whatever it's. Each person is going to be different. How healthy it is, I'm not. I'm not sure. I honestly I don't really know if I have an answer. I'm not sure.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think the only answer I can really come up with is as often as you need to, yeah, that's a good answer. Yeah, whether it's whether it's once a day or once a year when you need to do it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that's a great answer. You got mine, yeah. You got mine yeah.
Speaker 1:There you go. Say a word in Spanish Hola, there you go.
Speaker 2:I haven't learned much.
Speaker 1:What is your favorite season?
Speaker 2:Season. Oh, I got to say Christmas is winter, but Christmas is the. I consider that the season.
Speaker 1:All right, the Christmas, yeah, I like that. Well then this way, if favorite holiday comes up later on, then we already know what the answer to that is.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, favorite holiday comes up later on, then we already know what the answer to that is oh yeah, oh, big time, big time.
Speaker 2:Have you ever been to Africa? No, but funny enough, my mom, I asked my mom, she growing up her whole life. She said that Paris was like she's obsessed with Eiffel tower. And I asked her recently, this year where is, like the number one place that you'd want to go? Is it still Paris? And she said it was was south, like it was africa. And so I told her I I would pay for her ticket and for flights and airbnb and everything to south africa.
Speaker 1:so we're working on a trip there south africa, nice, yeah, very cool cape town, I'm thinking cape town we actually have a couple of neighbors, wonderful people. They're originally from south africa love that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, but I want to, we will. I will be going there, for sure.
Speaker 1:I'm pretty sure you're probably going to touch every continent before your time on earth is over.
Speaker 2:Maybe even.
Speaker 1:Antarctica? I hope so. Who is your best friend?
Speaker 2:A friend of mine named Ethan.
Speaker 1:Okay Can you give me the 15 second rundown on.
Speaker 2:Ethan I do the way that I explain it is I don't remember meeting him and so he's essentially my brother. Every fear that I have, every insecurity I have, he knows it.
Speaker 1:Nice. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? No, god, no. Never, never have Is your bed made right now.
Speaker 2:Always.
Speaker 1:Two bed questions in a row. What size bed do you prefer?
Speaker 2:I'm all right with a full. I mean, a queen or a king would be nice, but a full's okay. I don't need much space. I'm only 5'9", unfortunately, so that's all I need.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're by yourself. You don't need too big of a bed. Yeah, if you were going into a pool, would you cannonball in or would you dip a toe in first?
Speaker 2:Oh, I'm cannonballing, Yeahing, yeah, no, I can't think about it's like same thing as ice bath. I can't think about it. I just got to do it, jumping off a cliff like you. Just have to go, I know yeah about uh, as long as you have a parachute well, I'm I'm saying cliff jumping, like I went cliff jumping here and it was real high and I just thought, you know what?
Speaker 1:I just gotta, just gotta jump I love I don't know if I heights is one of my biggest fears in life. I don't know and I've talked about this before, I don't know if it's heights, if it's the fear of heights or if the fear of falling. Well, mostly it's the fear of landing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean that's something that has helped me is is three, two, one and just go because I big fan either. One thing that I've always said I I need to do, and I probably will do for my birthday this year I'll purchase a thing for myself, but is, uh, jump out of a plane. Skydiving has been something that, like I think so many people fear, and like, if you have a fear of heights, it's kind of hard to say that you still have that fear if you do that skydiving is a weird one.
Speaker 1:I it scares the shit out of me because one thing goes wrong and you're done with the sky.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you're done with everything, right.
Speaker 1:At the same time, I love being on a plane, I love the view, I love tall buildings, like you know the empire state building the Sears tower, because I'm not going to fall off of a building. Right, there's gates and walls and whatever. I'm totally fine with being a hundred stories up because I know nothing's going to happen, yet I won't get onto the roof of my own house.
Speaker 1:So I don't know. Like I said, I think it's more about the fear of landing. I mean, especially as I get older, I realize I'm a little bit more probably injury prone than I was when I was 20 or 25. And I just don't want to deal with that.
Speaker 1:I don't want to be inconvenienced by't want to deal with that. I don't. I don't want to be inconvenienced by you know, breaking my leg or my arm. I don't blame you. I don't blame you one bit. If you do end up going skydiving, make sure that you get the video package, the camera.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, I'll let you know It'll have to be done. I know I've thought about that as well. Yeah, it'll.
Speaker 1:If you were to write a book, what would it be about?
Speaker 2:I will. I will write plenty, for sure I have. That is an aspiration of five years from now. Hopefully I have a book Beliefs, our belief systems. I think we go through school not learning anything of value that actually we will use in our lives, and I think most people are completely unaware of how their brain works and how they create their own reality by the way that they see the world, and so helping people get to the bottom of how the beliefs shape their reality would be very, very impactful. I think that's a great idea.
Speaker 1:When you do write that book, make sure you come back to me, because I want to feature it on the website.
Speaker 2:Oh, we'll be here. We'll be here, we'll be in touch. For sure, I have no hesitation, oh yeah, I'm not.
Speaker 1:I am definitely not worried about that. Describe your style in one word Minimal. Do you prefer cake or pie?
Speaker 2:Cake? What kind of cake? Something chocolate, something chocolate.
Speaker 1:There you go, no doubt when we get together and I make you the best steak you've ever had. I'm also going to figure out something to make the best chocolate dessert that you've ever had I love it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, chocolate superior over vanilla. I just, oh, I don't, I think that's. I think it's a fact actually in the dictionary.
Speaker 1:I don't think it's opinion it's not even a conversation to have glad you're with me. Glad you're with me, yeah if you prefer vanilla over chocolate, I kind of want to ask what's wrong yeah, I don't know something, something's out Definitely, definitely. What time do you usually go to bed at night?
Speaker 2:Oh man, I'm an old man, like 10 o'clock. Do you get up early? I do, I do. I drink black coffee. I'm like the. I'm like the 90, I'm like a 90 year old, 20 year old it's insane. Like the, the, all of my friends, family I like. The amount of friends that call me grandpa is insane, because I'm just I. I don't do many things that my kids my age do. Um, yeah, where did I? How early do I wake up, were you gonna ask?
Speaker 1:yes, that wasn't the next question, that was just because you go to bed at 10. Yeah, didn't know if, like, do you get up early?
Speaker 2:yeah, five to six usually. Um, since I've been in hawaii, though I will, I will say I've woken up later since I've been here. I don't know what it is about this island, but there is a go with the flow. You don't make plans you like, I don't have anything to get to, so I've been waking up a little bit later than that that's fair do you enjoy running?
Speaker 2:I'm trying to. I've been running more um. I'm much more. I would much rather lift heavy weights than run um, but I do have a goal of running a marathon one day, and so I got to make running a part of my routine. So I run at least a mile a day, okay.
Speaker 1:I am not built for running, that's for damn sure. Anybody who knows me know that. That's the fact. I will never run a marathon. The longest I've ever run is a 5K.
Speaker 2:I have walked a marathon. No, it's not terrible. You've walked a marathon. That's an accomplishment 26 miles. You're walking, you're running, it doesn't matter what you're doing. That's a feature, that's a feat.
Speaker 1:I did it in. I want to say it was 2008 or 2009. Oh boy, my wife's first job where she was working after culinary school they started doing a relay for life team asked us if we wanted to participate. Obviously my wife wanted to. She told me about it, said yeah, let's do it, and it was the way that.
Speaker 1:I know that it's not always done this way, but this one was an overnight, just a quarter mile track yeah somewhere in new york city and so we were going to be there all night and the most I had walked consecutively before that was 12 miles.
Speaker 1:I did that for a March of Dimes walkathon in high school and I wasn't planning on setting any huge expectations or checking anything off the list, and I was certainly not, I guess, physically in shape. I wasn't preparing for this or anything like that. We got there and I started walking and it kind of became a mind over matter thing, like I walked 10 miles and then I took a little bit of a break and had some food, had some water, and then I was like all right, I'm going to get back out there and keep walking. Now, of course, the whole point of Relay for Life is only one person from the team needs to be out on the track at any given time. But of course everybody else pretty much got that night off because I was out there all night. I just went back out there, walked.
Speaker 1:I was out there all night I just went back out there, walked some more and once I got to 12 miles I was like, all right, this is personal best for me. Just kept on going, because of course, 13 is a half marathon, and I just really didn't have any desire to stop. And I got to 20 and took another break and I was thinking, all right, well, 20 miles, if I stop now I'm going to have to do another 20 miles just to get to this point. At that point the knees were starting to bother me. Back was starting to bother me a little bit, but my mindset at that point was thinking about why we were doing this for people that have lost others for cancer, and any discomfort that I was in seemed completely pointless at that point.
Speaker 1:And I was like it's mind over matter and there's nothing stopping me from doing this and I just walked six and a quarter quarter mile track six and a quarter miles and I finished it. It took me about nine hours and I walked a marathon and I was hurting for a week afterwards and it was so worth it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's a running, I think is one of those things that, like you, really like within one mile alone, there's probably 25 times where my mind's like just stop, this hurts, I don't feel like doing this, and so it's like one of those things that you really you see what you're made of, um, and that's why I like it. Where it's like I hate doing it, there's some times where I want to run, but most of the time I hate it and that's why I do it.
Speaker 1:That's fair, I can. I can understand kind of something that it's it's going to eat at you, it's going to get to you and you just can't let it win.
Speaker 2:Exactly, yeah, I have to beat my, I have to beat my mind. Yeah, and mind, yeah. And I've spoke with too many like I had a guy on my podcast not too long ago that has the in america. He has the 100 mile um record, so the fastest 100 mile, 100 miles, to even run 100 miles. It's like he just makes me feel weak just thinking about it.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, I gotta just run one of my previous uh interviews was a lady that after she lost her dad, she became an ultra marathoner. Yeah, she talked about there was a four-day marathon. It was 200 miles around Lake Tahoe and I think she said the total gain in elevation over the entire course of it was like 40,000 feet going up and down and up and down and she made it to most of the way through day four and then basically kind of injured herself during the course of it and ultimately ended up stopping. But she was also not doing it for the healthiest reason. She was trying to outrun her grief and realized that what she was doing was for the wrong reasons. She kind of took a break, got everything that she needed to aligned in her life and ultimately she went back and started running again, and in a much healthier way. So again, you can't let it control you. If you do, you can do something to try to beat it If you're doing it in a healthy way. If it's when it's unhealthy ways it leads you up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, even if you win, you're going to lose 1000%. What is your favorite movie genre? Comedy or rom-com? Two of my faves. If you get to the point someday where you have a family, how many kids would you like to have?
Speaker 2:Nothing more than two. Nothing more than two, that's okay. I think my mom did well with a son, daughter. You know that kind of thing. We don't get to choose, though. We don't get to choose, no don't get to choose.
Speaker 1:Could have two boys, two girls, one of each. Yeah, be nice if you could do it with twins and get it over in one shot. Yeah, that'd be good. But then it's also worse. When you have one, you say, oh, I'm just gonna have one more, and then you end up having multiple yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:I would say two honestly. For a long time my life I didn't want any, so two is like a as far as I'd go, that's for sure, at least where I'm at now good answer.
Speaker 1:What is your favorite clothing brand? Questions um probably abercrombie and fitch okay, so you prefer cats or dogs? Dogs Nope. What do you hope to accomplish in 10 years is the question that came up, but we're going to skip right over that because we've already addressed that. Yeah, sour Patch Kids or Swedish Fish.
Speaker 2:Ooh, chocolate, dark chocolate. Neither Good answer.
Speaker 1:Put a gun to my head, I would say Swedish Fish, because I hate anything sour.
Speaker 2:I don't like sour either. No, yet I don't like sour either. No, yet I. Probably I would as well. I, to be honest, I'm not a not a candy person, because if I do, I don't have much self-control, so I just don't in general. But yeah, yeah, no, I would say Swedish fish, I, I anything sour. It's I, I anything sour. It's not even a treat I don't get. I don't get it. No, I don't get it either. More just painted. We have similar taste buds. I like this.
Speaker 1:This is good. Yeah, I feel like I'm talking to the 20 year old version of me. What is your favorite? Oh, actually, I want to go back to it for a second. You mentioned dark chocolate. What percent of chocolate do you eat?
Speaker 2:I would say probably like 70 or above would have to be, because what I found I went to when I went to Costa Rica. I did a coffee plantation tour actually a chocolate plantation tour, Actually, no, it was coffee, but there was chocolate there as well, and they taught us about chocolate Anything under 70% isn't actually dark chocolate. So finding out that 50% dark chocolate isn't actually dark chocolate it's not, it's not actually it. So 70 or above is what I shoot for. When I went to dark chocolate I never went back to milk chocolate.
Speaker 1:So probably around 70 or so I have my wife to thank for getting me into dark chocolate, because I just didn't realize it was a thing when we met oh boy.
Speaker 2:Game changer. So so good. The older I get, the more I like, like the fine things Like. When I was younger I used to think that drinking black coffee you had to like be like an ABC or something, because it was disgusting. And then I started drinking black coffee and I haven't gone back, you know. So it's just, it's an acquired taste. I like dark chocolate.
Speaker 1:You know coffee is weird with me. It's one of my favorite smells in the world and it's one of my least favorite tastes like I still, I don't enjoy drinking coffee. Occasionally I will have a sip of my wife's coffee.
Speaker 1:I'll just you know I'm like a kid, I'll just go and take a little sip, or like if we go out to dinner after dinner, if she has a cup of coffee, I'll have a a little bit of it, but it's. It's really not my thing, but I can. I can work in a coffee house Like the smell of coffee. Oh my God, it just brings me to life.
Speaker 2:The, the energy is is beautiful. I love trying a new coffee shop for me. It's, uh, I realized, um, it helps me, uh, push my appetite for the rest of the day and I get my best work done in the beginning of the day, and so if I don't eat until, like I haven't eaten today, it's one o'clock. So if I, if I have more time to the end of the day, it's just like binge eat, cause I could eat all day, much rather do that than get started in the beginning of the day. So coffee just helps me push my appetite and, just, you know, focus a bit better.
Speaker 2:It's kind of like a ritual more than it is like an enjoyment thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. After a while it just becomes a habit almost.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Okay, Um, back to the what?
Speaker 2:okay, here's the next question. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:What is your favorite breakfast?
Speaker 2:Uh, bacon, egg and cheese on a bagel, please say everything. Bagel. Uh, man, you know there's a place in york city that has a french toast bagel and that would combine my two favorite things. I love french toast, so if I can match egg, so anything egg, I love eggs, they're my favorite. Uh, turkey bacon over regular bacon. For me personally, um works anything that is greasy, just doesn't. I don't eat that way and so it doesn't work well with me. Um, so yeah, something like that, um, but I would say a french toast bagel if I could like like a death row meal yeah, now I'm dying to know.
Speaker 1:You mentioned you have a bagel shop in new york city.
Speaker 2:Which one liberty bagels, I believe, and this is a bagel shop. You're not going to get there like if you're going to be waiting around the block kind of line. There's a bunch of different bagels that are there that are like bagel shops, that are amazing. That's the one that I've been to the past two times. I went with my sister.
Speaker 1:And where is.
Speaker 2:Liberty bagels In Manhattan. I believe Manhattan. Okay, I'm not sure where it's been. Okay, since December Probably since December. Yeah, it's been since December. I went last time At least there, not last time. I went to New York City.
Speaker 1:I'm going to look them up, because next time I'm in Manhattan I will check them out. Oh yeah, the next time you go to Manhattan. Well, also, the original one is in Queens, but they just opened one in Manhattan Utopia Bagels.
Speaker 2:Yes, I've heard great things. Yes, I'm a bagel connoisseur. Yes, pop. Yes, I've heard great things. Yes, I'm a bagel connoisseur. Yes, pop-up bagels, I hear, is really great as well. Apollo bagels, I hear, is pretty good as well. New York City does. Bagels are great.
Speaker 1:I love bagels. Anybody outside of New York City who thinks that you have good bagels if you've never been in New York.
Speaker 2:City. Trust me, you don't know what you're missing. Yes, oh, man, food is my love language. Man Food, I love food. There's nothing I love more than food in this world.
Speaker 1:Truthfully, yeah, we're going to have to find a way to meet in person one day, we will.
Speaker 2:We will. Tampa has some great food. Tampa has some great food. I'll tell you that I know that. Tampa does have some great food. Next time you know you're going to be in Florida, let me know I will.
Speaker 1:We'll also say, since we're talking about bagels, we actually have found a really good bagel place here that we enjoy. It's called Bagels Plus in Tampa, I think. It's technically in Carrollton, which is a suburb of Tampa. So the guy that owns the place, he had a bagel shop on Long Island. I think he moved down here like 30 years ago, 35 years ago, and that's what he's been doing ever since and they are legit and my wife and I we are very picky when it comes to our bagels. They're legit.
Speaker 2:We'll have to make a date out of it. We're going to go for sure.
Speaker 1:Absolutely yeah. If we're going to get bagels, got to get some good ones.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, it was the guy from Utopia Bagels. Oh yeah, it was the guy from Utopia Bagels. So Utopia Bagels actually worked with the company that my wife used to work with in New York City. They supplied all the bagels and she and one of her coworkers actually hooked me up with Scott, the owner, and I basically spent an entire Saturday there. Now, this was after we had already moved to Texas.
Speaker 1:When we were back up in New York, I spent like six hours on a saturday with this guy at the shop. He taught me everything I needed to know about making bagels, like the ingredients, the boiling, how long you do it for everything, and I will say that I've actually made some bagels that were pretty damn good. I mean, look, they're not, you know, bagel store quality because they mass produce them and they, you know you can't like the mixer that they had at this place, like the. The ball of dough that comes out was like 200 pounds. So, like I don't have that, I we have a kitchen aid mixer. I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna go to those crazy lengths.
Speaker 2:Um no, I'll take your word for it.
Speaker 1:I'll take your word even making a dozen at a time. They were okay, yeah, all right. Couple more questions. Dawn Dawn or dusk Dawn? Yeah, I love starting the day with a sunrise, yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's a food related question. What is your go-to lazy dinner?
Speaker 2:Oh boy, I don't know. I think I've been, I've cooked like every night for so long it's never. It's just like I don't give myself an option. What I've had I'll tell you. What I've had since I've been here like almost every night, is elk and some sweet potato and some kind of green like kale or something, and I can eat it every single day and not get not get all of it, genuinely anything with sweet potato, and then any kind of meat. I could eat it all day it has been a long time since I've had elk.
Speaker 2:I think it's superior, I think it's a superior meat other than, like you know, steak or something. But yeah, it's beautiful, really good I've had elk.
Speaker 1:Um I probably 12, 13 years ago I did a business trip with the company I was working at the time. I had to go out to south dakota and had bison and I had elk.
Speaker 2:Bison. I've had a lot of that as well. They're great. They're great. They're obviously very expensive, so that's the downside, but they're amazing. But they were so good.
Speaker 1:All right. Last question If you were to devote the rest of your life to philanthropy, what cause would you choose? Man?
Speaker 2:I don't know if this is exactly a cause, but this is where my mind goes is I'm really passionate about this. I think the education system isn't even education at this point. I think it's an indoctrination of keeping us in a place of being a worker and not allowing us to actually create a life that creates leverage. I think if I could redo the education system entirely and teach us things that we actually would get value from, that's what I would do. I would change the way that the, because the future is within the kids, and the kids are just taking on time on their phones and just taking in information that's of no value and that frustrates me.
Speaker 1:If you do end up getting to pursue that cause, please do, because it is so desperately needed. The education system in this country. I mean, I think I got a pretty decent education living in New York. I will say that, and now we don't have kids. We tried for years, it didn't happen. I will say, after living in Texas for six years, I'm so glad that we did not have school-age children living in Texas, because the education system in Texas leaves a lot to be desired.
Speaker 2:I think in general, like math for example, I've never once used anything in math in my actual life History. We're supposed to learn history because we're supposed to. If we know it, then we won't recreate it, but it's being recreated all of the time. So science, like I've never used anything and none of it, literally none of it matters in real life. And you know we can learn how to read through reading, rather than you know going to English class and having to write a paper. I just think the whole system doesn't make any sense whatsoever Because you can tell very bad. I can go on this all day.
Speaker 1:I can tell and I love that you're passionate about it and, like I said, I wasn't kidding. I really do hope that if you get to find a cause and dedicate yourself to it, I hope that that's it and I hope that you continue to do what you're doing and just get to know everybody that you possibly can and somehow, some way I know that you will find your way in front of the right people, that maybe you can make some kind of a difference. I mean, of course, I guess, if you're going to do that, you'd probably have to be a Senator or work in Washington and-.
Speaker 2:Oh God, no, oh shit, nobody wants to do that.
Speaker 1:So no, I think, external're going to have to figure out a way to initiate change without doing that. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 2:I think the learning I've learned from books and podcasts and online stuff like that learned so much more than I could have ever from anything else, and so hopefully that's my way through podcasting, coaching and writing books eventually will be the way that I impact the world for sure.
Speaker 1:I agree. I think real life experience is the way to go and certainly not, as you said, spending half the day on our phones and doing just useless things. Yeah, it's unfortunate. I cannot thank you enough for your time and just this entire conversation. I know that this was not nearly as dark of a conversation as some of the other ones that I have had, and that's okay. This has been educational, to say the least, and again, I definitely will use the word inspiring. I hope that others were who hear this conversation will reach out to you if they feel that what they are doing in their life is not fulfilling enough and they might want to take it in a different direction, whether a little bit or a lot. I hope that somebody takes advantage of that.
Speaker 2:Thank you. As I said, absolutely my pleasure.
Speaker 1:Thank you, it's been an honor to have you and, as I said before, I can't wait to see all the things that you're going to do. I am definitely going to continue to follow you. We will absolutely continue to be in touch. I'm excited for you. I'm excited to know you and to see what you're going to do to change the world.
Speaker 2:I appreciate you, man. Thank you so much for your time and inviting me onto your platform and hopefully providing some impact and value to people that are listening. You're doing some amazing work as well, and I'm looking forward to again staying in touch and getting a bagel and meeting in person. And you know, when we first chatted, it was like I knew you already, and so I appreciate that, and I'm here to support you as much as I can as well.
Speaker 1:I really appreciate that and I'm here to support you as much as I can as well. I really appreciate that and also thank you for being willing to share the stories that you did, because it is not easy to talk about grief, even when you're in a situation like yours, where you may not have had as much as other folks have had. But it isn't always about the grief. Sometimes it is, sometimes it's about how you process it and sometimes there are the stories where it's just not as pronounced as in other cases. But, as we talked about before, the biggest thing is being willing to have those conversations. So many folks are not, and that's a big part of what I'm trying to change. That is a huge part of my mission is to just to get people to open up about whatever it is that they need to open up about, and thank you just for being willing to do that.
Speaker 2:Thank you, have a great one. Talk to you soon.
Speaker 1:Every single interview that I conduct for this show improves my outlook on life, and this one is no different, especially when I get to talk to someone who has not only been through loss and grief so early in life, but has been able to manifest the best life has to offer from the worst that it has given us. I'm honored to have had a couple of hours to spend with James, to hear his perspective on life, how he never quits and is always thinking about what's next, but also has the ability to always enjoy the moment that he's in when he's in it. If you have a story of grief and loss to share and might want to be considered as a future guest on Our Dead Dads, go to OurDeadDadscom, go to the Contact Us link and then select Be a Guest to fill out the form, send it in and you just might be able to tell your story and carry on this mission of helping ourselves and helping so many others. Again, there are no rules to navigating grief and there's no timeline for doing it either. Everybody needs to go at their own pace, but the most important part is taking the very first step, Whether you want to tell your story or you just want to listen to others tell their stories. The most important thing to understand is that nobody is alone in grief or should ever feel like they don't have someone who will talk or listen to them here at Our Dead Dads, within the safe space of this community. You always have both.
Speaker 1:Thank you for listening, and join me next week when I'm joined by Jason Tuttle as he returns to Our Dead Dads. Back in mid-August, I did a special live interview with Jason and Tanya Manley, another future guest of the show, to highlight the release of his coloring book titled Letters to Zachary, which was created and released in the memory of Jason's son, Zachary. Jason will join me to tell us all about his wonderful children and what inspired him to create this book. As always, it's an interview you do not want to miss, as Jason does a much deeper dive than we did during our previous conversation. Make sure you follow Our Dead Dads on your favorite podcast streaming platform, because you will not want to miss this episode or any other upcoming episode. This is Our Dead Dads, where we are changing the world one damaged soul at a time. See you next time.